So my biggest fear has always been someone talking about me behind my back. It's always been a real problem for me to just let things be and trust that no one is talking badly about me.

In the past few months that fear has come back and haunted me. At first it was just a little nagging that I would try to push away, slowly it was getting worse. It got to the point to were I would vocalize my fears to my fiance. He would brush it off and tell  me no one it doing that.

Every time we'd visit with his family I would disect what I had done and try to see what they would pick out and talk about. I would even mention it. Fiance would always say "they don't think that!" But I was convinced.

Last month my fears were confirmed. While one of Fiance's cousins was visiting he sat down and chatted with a couple of Fiance's imediate family the cousin mentioned me in passing and the sister-in-law got aggitated. The cousin noticed and inquired as to why she had that response.

The summery of what she had to say goes something like this:

She doesn't like me, in fact she never has. I am and have always been stand offish and just un pleasent. I get depressed when Fiance is out of town and all off a sudden I can't care for my child when he is home. I am controlling of him when he's home.  I have postpartum which I should get fixed before she trusts me with her children. i'm dangerous and I can't take care of my child. my house is messy and my cats are un friendly.

Well off course I get a little blue when Fiance is gone for a month at a time who the hell wouldn't!! As far as not being able to take care of my kid when he's home is false. My fiance and I both agree that he needs to spend as much time with our son as he can when he's home. In fact he wants to take him with on errands and wants to help out with him. I really think that I desirve and break after doing it all by myself for a month. And seriously my cats are un-friendly? that's what you have on your list? gah woman

I have never really been a really talkative person. you have to be a really good friend to get me to tell you alot of things that's just it. I'm not the kid of person that will sit down and tell you that I have  a brother and sister that are 15 and 18 years older than me and I grew up here and went to school there. and i work here and blah blah .. I have to trust you first and well like you. I'm not saying that I don't like the sister-in-law. I actually did at one point like her. But there was a trust issue. From the very begining I wasn't sure what to think of her. I liked her she had spunk and seemed nice was good to her family and all that. But there was something that made me wonder. I 'flagged' her. Meaning that I would wait and see what she'd be like. I had a feeling she could go either way. She could be a really good friend or a mean girl and decide to start up shit about me. Boy was I right to 'flag' her wow.

I have noticed that I'm pretty good at sniffing people out. You know peg them for what kind of person they are. In this case I didn't want to be right I really wanted her to like me and be friends. I was realistic I know families can be clickish and I being younger and newer to the family it was going to be hard, but I never thought that this would happen.

She apoligized and why talking to my fiance and I she said " My intentions were never to put a rift in the family" Well i'm starting to feel that. Maybe it's all me but I do feel like things are really different now I feel much more uncomfortable now. I no longer want a friendship with her and really don't want to be around her. Which actually complicates things. As I have mentioned before my fiance is gone for a month at a time for work and I am alone with the lil man. As you may imagine I get bored and extremely lonely what would I like to do? Visit family in the area. Problem  she lives with the parents of Fiance. So me not feeling at all comfortable around her or even  wanting any interation with her that cuts me off from them... greatness

On top of all of that it feels as though the whole family is gettin annoyed with me. yay. That again could just be me. I could just be so worried about it that i'm projecting that feeling. I don't know. Also I felt like Fiance's brother and I were developing our own kind of friendship.. ya that got squashed when his wife went all lets tare this girl apart shit. Why? well he was sitting right next to her while she was going off on me. He claims that he didn't hear everything that she said. Even though I still think he could of said he now that's enough. That is if he liked me. Guess he doesn't. He could have also said he sorry she said that shit I don't feel that way, plus I really wasn't paying to much attention. Nope didn't get that either.

So to sum things up i'm isolated and people are verbally tareing me apart behing my back. My life rocks!

Let me start of this blog by saying that I haven't done this in a vary long time and I'm a bit rusty at this sort of thing. It feels like ages since I wrong on my blog on Myspace. It almost feels like a lifetime ago. I'm in a different place than I was then but then again i'm right back there again. It's strange how that is. I've been wanting to write a blog for a while, but I have always stopped myself. I was always worried that no one would follow it. But then I realized that it doesn't matter that people follow me, well at least right now it doesn't. Right now what matters is that I get my feeling and thoughts out on paper,, err on a .. um out there. Maybe as time goes by I will start letting people know about my blog. I might start with my fiance so he can get to know me better.

I am starting this blog after a night and pretty much day that I believe could have been better. I have been feeling a little isolated lately,, okay not a little but  A LOT isolated and I have not been feeling like I can express myself lately. And to be frank that makes me want to cry. If I think back to when I was first writing my blog on Myspace I would say I had the same feelings. But i feel as though they are more intesified now. See now I have a son and a fiance. My wonderful man is working in Alaska and it feels like half of my heart is gone. My lovely lil' man is 14 months old and I am trying my hardest to make sure that he doesn't feel left out by any of his family but it's hard when I am getting an overwelming feeling that I am not fitting in.

All I can do now is work on myself and make sure that I can surround  myself with positive people. But it's hard when I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like I have lost myself somewhere.

Lets just hope I find myself and don't lose it in the process.